The Heart-Tongue Connection
“A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.” - Luke 6:45 NKJV
I was counseling a woman once who had been confronted by several friends and family members about her dominant behavior. She was perplexed and broken hearted concerning their accusations. As she told me the details of her situation, she tearfully exclaimed at one point, “They know what I say and do, but they don’t know my heart.”
Even though I felt sorry for her because she was having a hard time hearing the truth from those close to her, I disagreed with her comment. Her family and close friends were able to discern her heart every time she spoke to them. As Jesus said, we speak out of the abundance of what is in our hearts.
Disrespectful words mean we harbor animosity for others. Spiteful and bitter language is a sure sign of unresolved anger and unforgivingness. Prideful and insensitive speech reveals that we are self-absorbed and don’t esteem others as highly as ourselves. The bottom line is that our words reveal our hearts.
In relationships, we must understand the importance of our language and what it conveys to others. We must also take responsibility for what we say. To do this, we need to monitor our speech and let it be an indicator to us of the condition of our hearts.
An example in my own life is sarcasm. Early in my relationship with Karen, I would use sarcasm to get back at her when I became angry or frustrated with her. The problem was that I wasn’t honest and when Karen would confront me about how I was talking to her, I would deny there was a problem.
After years of doing this and being confronted by Karen, I finally came to realize and admit that every time I was sarcastic, it was because I was frustrated with her. Once I realized this, I stopped justifying my abusive speech. I also started listening much more carefully to the words that came out of my mouth. It changed our marriage.
How do you speak to your spouse and others you care about? It is telling you and them something important. Good words mean good things are in our hearts. Bad words mean there are inner problems we need to take responsibility for and deal with in a decisive manner.
Words are the lifeline of relationships. Our marriages will never rise above the level of our words. Every good marriage is the result of good communication. Good communication is the result of good hearts. Good hearts don’t just happen. They are cultivated by honest people who realize there is a heart-tongue connection.
How To Predict Your Marriage Problems
I was watching a well-known health expert on television one day. He was talking about how to eat healthy and have good overall health.
In the process of his talk, he made a statement that I will never forget. He said, “If you tell me what you eat, I can predict your future illnesses with accuracy.” That statement got my attention. In a simple and rather shocking manner, he stated reality.
It pops the bubble in our brains that deceives us into believing we can eat poorly and abuse our bodies but remain in good health. Wishful thinking meets Dr. Truth. Ouch!
In the spirit of his talk, let me give you my little pep talk. If you show me how you live, I can predict your marriage problems with accuracy. In the same way that most diseases and health problems don’t just mysteriously appear, but have causal factors from our diets and lifestyles, marriage problems don’t just appear out of nowhere. They happen because of systemic problems in the way we live and relate everyday. Poor habits in communication, too little time together, taking each other for granted, unresolved anger, financial disagreement, chronically unmet needs, and other unhealthy factors inevitably lead to serious problems.
The good news is that it’s never too late to change things for the better. As I was watching the health expert on television that day, he said our bodies recreate themselves every few years with cell reproduction. Therefore, changing our eating and health habits today can result in dramatic benefits in the future but they have to be real and lasting.
The same is true regarding marriage. Even the worst marriages can be transformed by implementing some simple changes into our daily marriage routines — but they have to be real and lasting. In marriage, as in good health, it isn’t what you can make happen for a few days or weeks, it is what you can keep happening everyday that makes the difference.
When I saw the health expert on television that day, he ministered a dose of reality to me that I needed. I hope this article has done the same for you related to your marriage.
Your present lifestyle is paving the way for your future. It is either leading you to success or failure, happiness or pain, fulfillment or frustration. Don’t wait for serious problems to occur to get your attention. Work at your marriage and build healthy relational disciplines into your daily lifestyle.
The Power of Life and Death
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” - Proverbs 18:21 NKJV
I was teaching a marriage seminar recently and talking about communication. I was telling the audience that we must be careful about our role models in life because they affect the way we speak to one another.
As I was making that point I remembered an incident from when I was a young boy that negatively affected my speech to Karen in the early years of our marriage. One Saturday morning when I was about ten years old I was watching the Roy Rogers Show. Of course, Roy’s girlfriend (his wife in real life) was Dale Evans.
On the show that morning Roy and Dale were having an argument about something and in response Roy said to Dale, “Suit yourself,” and walked away. She was left frustrated and he had the last word. As a boy, I thought that was great. I immediately looked for ways to incorporate that line into my conversations with girls.
But even many years later I was still using it. I remember using it on Karen many times in the early years of our marriage. As she would frustrate me or say something I didn’t like, I would walk away, leaving her with the “Suit yourself” retort.
One of the things the Roy Rogers Show didn’t fully explain is the aftermath of using that line. In fact, Roy and Dale always ended up happy at the end of every program in spite of how he talked to her. But Karen and I weren’t happy - especially Karen!
The more I used my words to disrespect and punish her, the worse our marriage became. When I finally got to the point of realizing how much damage I was doing, I repented to Karen and asked her to forgive me. From that day forward I have tried my best to be diligent in using my words righteously. It has changed our marriage.
I challenge you to check yourself related to this point. First, I encourage you to examine the nature of your words to your spouse. Are they encouraging or discouraging, positive or negative, healing or hurtful, humble or prideful? Second, who are your mentors and role models as they relate to your communication?
All of us model our behavior after someone and are more influenced by others than we would want to admit. Do you have good role models who are successful in relationships or have you been more influenced by unrighteous friends, negative people at work, smart-aleck television programs, vulgar movies or some other unhealthy influence?
By modern standards the Roy Rogers Show would be considered puritanical. However, a young boy listening carefully to this program one Saturday morning learned something that led him into error. Imagine the dangers that exist in the modern world. Be careful. Your words have the power of life and death.
Having Fun Together
In a recent edition of USA Today there was an article about some interesting research that was conducted by the University of Denver. In their marriage and family department they studied how important it was for married couples to have fun together.
The results were interesting. They found that couples who regularly had fun together were much more likely to stay married and have a significantly better marriage because of it. They cited a San Diego couple who were in their sixties and regularly attended baseball games together. The couple said it reduced stress and opened up lines of communication for them.
To that point, one of the researchers conducted an informal study into cities that had major league baseball teams versus those that did not but had expressed an interest in having one. He found that cities that do not have major league baseball teams have a twenty-eight percent higher divorce rate. That is incredible and it correlates to the point they are trying to make.
The article also documents the fact that Americans are significantly busier these days than in past decades when couples had more leisure activities they shared together. It is also interesting that activities surrounding technology (television, movies, computers) don’t build relationships. They must be shared activities that cause us to relate to each other.
Also, men and women are different as it relates to having fun together. For men, they want their wife to be their buddy. They are much more likely to call their wife their best friend. Also, they want their wives to share an activity with them that they enjoy. They consider just about anything fun as “having a date.”
Women are different. They want to have meaningful conversation when they are with their husbands. They don’t consider it a “date” unless there has been considerable planning and preparation.They want personal interaction - not just action.
But what women need to understand is that their husbands are most likely to open up and talk when they are having fun with them. What men must understand is that the more planning and preparation they do, the more their wives will feel special and want to be with them having fun.
What every couple needs to realize is that you fell in love having fun and it will always remain an important part of your relationship. Without fun, marriage becomes work and we lose the feeling of being friends - which is vital to the relationship.
I encourage you to find something you both enjoy doing and do it regularly. It isn’t a luxury. It is a necessity for a healthy marriage.
Encryption in Communication
Communication is the lifeline of marriage. From the beginning to the end, it determines the potential of every area of a relationship. Whether it is money, children, romance, sex or household chores, being able to openly and successfully talk things over is crucial to marital harmony.
Of course, just as in other areas, men and women are very different when it comes to communication. One of the essential differences that must be understood is the encryption that is necessary when speaking to the opposite sex. Let me explain.
Men and women hear through their deepest needs and inner natures. For example, a woman’s deepest need is security. She needs to know that her husband is sensitive to her and that he is sacrificially committed to her on every level. When she is secure, her heart is free to live and love.
A man’s deepest need is honor. He needs to know that his wife esteems and respects him. Everything his spouse does or says passes through the “honor filter” and dramatically affects his outlook on life and attitudes concerning their relationship.
When we understand our deepest needs and those of our spouse we must also realize that our communication must match our spouse’s nature in order to be successful. Another way to say it is this: When we are communicating in a manner that violates our spouse’s inner nature and deepest needs, it will create hurt, frustration and conflict.
When a man communicates with a woman, regardless of what is being said on any given subject, every word must be spoken with “security encryption.” In attitude, tone, body language and every other way successful communication to women always conveys this message: “I love you and am totally committed to our relationship. I will sacrifice to meet your needs. You are on my heart and are my first priority.” Unsuccessful communication is sent without this encryption and that is why it fails.
When a woman communicates with a man she must also equip every word she says with “honor encryption.” Everything she says to him must convey this message: “I respect and honor you. You are a good man and I believe in you. I am your greatest supporter and biggest fan. I am proud of you and will stand by your side forever.” Anything spoken without this encryption will violate his deepest need and inner nature and therefore fail to influence him as desired.
We must understand that when we are communicating with someone of the opposite sex they are made much different from us. Every word we say is encoded with an attitude that our spouse can intuitively pick up on. If you have been struggling in the area of communication, maybe you are having encryption problems.
The True Meaning of Marriage
Have you ever wondered what marriage really means? In other words, what occurs when a wedding ceremony is performed that makes things different than before? Here are the three main distinctions from a social and legal perspective:
- We share assets and liabilities (financial unity)
- We become next of kin to each other
- We swear sexual fidelity and exclusivity
Marriage is a big deal. Even when you exclude the spiritual dynamic of becoming one flesh, marriage bonds us together with another person in a profound manner. It also makes us more dependent on that person than on anyone in any other relationship in our lives.
For that reason trust is a premium in marriage. And as you can see from the bullet points above, trust must be reflected in three main areas - finances, personal care and sexuality. When we are operating in good faith in those three areas, marriage is good.
However, when any one of those is compromised, a marriage is almost always significantly impaired - if not devastated. The three distinctions of marriage reflect the essential areas of commitment and care we must assume and continue in with good faith if we are going to succeed.
I encourage you to think seriously about these three areas. If possible, discuss each of them with your spouse and see if there are any problems you need to work through. As you consider these, here are some questions to think about:
- Am I diligent and considerate financially? Do I think about how my financial habits affect my spouse and our overall well-being? Do I discuss expenses or financial decisions with my spouse before acting?
- Do I care for my spouse and meet their needs? Are they the foremost priority in my life in practical terms? Do I put them off or take them for granted?
- Am I sexually faithful? Do I faithfully meet my partner’s sexual needs? Do I keep my heart pure related to temptation? Do I have any inappropriate relationships or conduct that compromise my marriage or my conscience before God?
It is important to remember what marriage means. It is even more important to work hard to let our spouse know that we are committed to financial unity, personal care and sexual faithfulness.
The Biggest Test of Your Character
I like this statement: God didn’t make marriage to make us happy. He made it to make us grow up. So many people have a concept of marriage that is flawed. Because of this, they have unrealistic expectations that set them up for disappointment.
Don’t get me wrong. I believe God created marriage for lifelong pleasure and happiness. Beyond any other human relationship, marriage has the potential to make us happier, longer than anything else. But there is a price to happiness and that price is character.
Marriage tests our character in every way. It tests our patience, our work ethic, our willingness to forgive, our sensitivity to others, our tolerance for those different from us, our ability to cooperate, etc. Marriage is the biggest character test in life.
I also like this statement: With God, you never flunk a test. You just keep taking it until you get it right. This is true. God wants us to be like Him. He is trying to produce His character in us and is relentless in His efforts. Relationships are His primary means of testing how much like (or unlike) Him we are.
For me, marriage was like a trip to the proverbial woodshed for the first several years. I was selfish, insensitive, angry and chauvinistic. After the first few years of marriage I was convinced that I had made a mistake in marrying Karen and she was the cause of my misery.
Today, I look back at those times as crucial in the formation of my character. I have to admit that I almost didn’t make it. There were many times when I came to a fork in the road where I had to make a decision to change to become more like the Lord (patient, selfless, forgiving) or remain immature.
Every time I made a positive character change our marriage took a significant step forward. Karen also made positive character choices that benefitted our relationship. Today we have a great marriage. We aren’t perfect, but we are more like the Lord than ever before and we are committed to a lifelong journey to be more like Jesus.
How is your marriage? More importantly, how is your character? Remember, it is the foundation of your marriage and every other relationship in life. Also remember, when you are experiencing marriage problems it is often the Lord dealing with a character issue.
Let me rephrase my original statement: Before marriage will make you happy it will make you grow up. It’s time to pass the test and take a step to a happier marriage.
The Worst Character Flaw in Marriage
“Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.” Luke 6:38 NKJV
There are many skills related to marriage that I speak about often. In addition to skills, there are also qualities that make relationships solid. These are things that flow out of our character and cause our marriages to prosper.
One of the most important character traits of a good marriage is generosity. Generous people are givers and naturally think about the needs and desires of others. Therefore, there is the necessary focus away from self and to the object of their affection.
The opposite of generosity is selfishness. It is the worst character flaw a married person can have because it keeps a husband or wife focused on himself or herself and therefore insensitive to the needs of their spouse. In addition to being insensitive, selfish people are often offended at the thought of having to give in any real manner to meet someone else’s needs. It disrupts their self-centered agenda.
The promise of Luke 6:38 is powerful. Jesus tells us that whatever good thing we give to another person will be returned to us in bountiful measure. According to Jesus, He measures back to us based on our standard of measure. That makes generous people happy and selfish people mad. Regardless of our response we must understand that it is the law of sowing and reaping that is true for all of us.
Here is the good news - you can change your life by giving. If you lack something, start giving it away to others. If you want friends, start being a friend to others. If you want love, start loving others the way you want to be loved. If you want your spouse to meet your needs, start meeting theirs.
You’re not a helpless victim. You are a child of God and the law of sowing and reaping is available to you. Resolve in your heart that you are going to be a giver. Also, begin in the most important relationship in your life - your marriage. Your generous and selfless giving to your spouse is the answer to a lifelong bounty of intimacy, pleasure and love.
Freedom From Financial Anxiety
“Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.” - Matthew 6:31-33 NKJV
The words above are from Jesus’ famous Sermon on the Mount. The constant theme of His powerful discourse was our relationship with God the Father. He put special emphasis on the fact that we should not put our ultimate hope in money, but in God.
You can always tell where your main trust lies because it is what you think about most and it is what you turn to first in difficult times. Concerning this issue, Jesus addressed the crowd in His sermon and put His finger on one of the biggest problems we all deal with in life: worrying about money.
He first of all told us not to do it. (Yikes! How do you do that?) According to Jesus, worry is the product of an orphan spirit—an unfathered heart. Because we believe we are on our own and must provide for ourselves—we obsess about how we are going to do it and if we can. The result is chronic worry, anxiety and spiritual distraction.
But there is an option that will set us free from worry. We can tell our Heavenly Father what we need and trust Him to provide for us and He will. I was a chronic worrier about money and had an orphan spirit. When I began to pray to God and trust Him financially, it changed my life. It also transformed our marriage and stopped the fighting and tension that had existed for years in our relationship.
Make a time everyday to pray about money and your personal needs. I always know when I’m not praying enough because I start worrying. Karen and I know when we aren’t praying enough because tension begins to build between us and we start fighting.
Remember, in these turbulent financial times we are living in, your Father loves you and He is as rich as ever! Pray daily and trust Him for your needs. As you do, you will see Him demonstrate His faithfulness and miracle working power.
My Conversation with Debbie Chavez
Earlier this week I had the pleasure of talking to Debbie Chavez about my book Marriage on the Rock. Debbie is the host of The Debbie Chavez Show, a radio broadcast based out of Bellingham, Wa.
During the show I spent considerable time talking in depth about the Four Foundational Laws of Marriage. I highly encourage you to check it out. Click here to access the MP3 audio link.
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